a month later

so so so hard to believe that school is almost over! i have 28 school days left! yay! it makes me so happy to know that. but, at the same time, it scares the crap out of me. i'm not even close to being finished with everything i wanted to teach this year. i hope i do better next year.
eoi testing starts this week. i'm not gonna lie. i'm a little nervous. but i remember that it is my first year. they really can't compare me to anyone else. not that i'm really worried about it, but i just don't like failing. it's not something i like to do.
haha! so pretty much the entire student body thinks that i have some sort of hatred against samurais. it's a long story, but it's so funny. they didn't understand what i was upset about at all, but just the fact that they think i got so angry about samurais is funny now. haha!
still in the hole. still liking it. loving it actually. it's hard. really hard. but i don't want anything to change. which it will change. a lot. and that sucks. but at the same time, i think it'll be good for me to get some distance. i think. maybe it'll be worse. absence does make the heart grow fonder, right? we'll see. i just wish things would turn out like i want it to. but even what i want more than likely isn't what i need or what will be best for me. hmmm...

so..

wow. i can't believe the last time i wrote on here, i was just turning in my level 3! now, i'm 3/4 of the way finished with my first year of teaching. it's been one crazy year.

my mom (among other people) keeps telling me that i really need to write a book about the year i've had. it really has been insane. i mean, people told me it was going to be bad. i was prepared for it not to go smoothly. i knew the bad days would come. but, man, you've got to be kidding me with some of the stuff i've gone through! i thought my football incident was going to be THE story i told everyone about for the rest of my life, but no. it got a lot more interesting about a month ago. taking on 2 new classes one month into the second semester is not something i would advise to anyone. especially a first year teacher. it wasn't like it was my choice. she quit. someone had to teach those kids. some days i really don't think i'll be able to handle it. it's insane. but, i'm sticking with it. which tells me that even with all of the crap (and i mean CRAP) i've dealt with, i really am meant to teach. and after a particularly rough day (or week), i tell myself that. and it makes me feel better. a lot better.

p/t conferences tonight. it was pretty hard to see a parent be told that it'd probably be best if her son dropped out of school. i didn't say it, but i agreed. which i thought was something i would never ever do. it was nice to have a parent tell me that one of my freshmen students told his younger sister that she will love me next year. granted that parent is a good friend (and consequently could've made that up), but it was still nice to hear. then i heard from my mentor teacher that my boss(es) said that i've done a good job. that made my night. especially because i've felt SO inadequate since i'm now teaching 8 classes and i never feel like i'm getting anything accomplished.

i've dug myself into a hole. a really big hole. i knew i would. i tried to convince myself that i would be able to get out with no problems. but it's not happening. i don't know if it ever will happen. and to tell the truth, i'm not sure if i want to get out at this point. it's nice. in a really strange way. i keep telling myself it will get better, but surely it would have by now. right? i just keep finding things that are so good about it and look past the things are so wrong about it. it's gonna hit the fan eventually. and that's gonna suck. because i'll come out looking bad. horrible. there's absolutely no way around that. i just hope i'm not the only one. i'm not the only one who got myself into this mess. i don't want to point fingers, but it'll be about the only defense i've got. (and for anyone who's wondering, no it's not drugs or anything of the illegal sort. i'm definitely smarter than that! but, after reading this paragraph over, i'm sure it looks that way.)

anyway, on to other things. spring break! i'm excited. i don't care if i sit at home all week. it'll be nice to be away from high school for a week. i actually have quite a bit of stuff planned. football game. home to vici. road trip to who knows where (i think it's narrowed down to missouri or arkansas). i think now that i probably will regret not being able to just relax, but i'm telling myself i have the summer to do that! i'm getting my hair cut/colored tomorrow after p/t conferences. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i'm so tired of it looking the same. and it's a good way to start the break. i just hope i don't come out looking ridiculous!

yay!

my level 3 portfolio passed!
i mean, it's not THAT big of a shock, but it's great that i don't have to worry about it at all.

oh, just to get through the rest of this semester as easily!

just random

yay! i turned in my level three!! now, i just have to patiently wait to find out where i'll be doing my student teaching. i'm not even worried about that. however, i am back and forth on the actual getting in the classroom and teaching every day part. some days, i'm excited and ready to go. others, i'm trying to figure out how i can get out of it and just go to school the rest of my life. i think if i could just fast forward to my third year of teaching, i would love it. it's just the getting in there and having that dreaded first year or two that i'm not so much looking forward to.

it's so weird. i always think of all these great things i want to write about, but now, the cursor just blinks at me, daring me to write something, anything.
oh, ok.

we practiced writing bio poems today. i actually kinda liked mine. i'll share it:
becca
caring, loving, happy, and content
sister of Jessica
lover of Jesus, food, and naps
who feels happy at home, uncomfortable in the woods, and downright miserable at the lake
who gives encouragement, time, and wisdom to friends
who fears snakes, disappointing others, and tight spaces
who would like to see france in the fall, seattle in the winter, and australia any time of the year
who lives in the ghetto of weatherford temporarily
stephens

yeah, i know it's not brilliant. but i'm still happy with it.

so, i went to two concerts last week. on two totally opposite ends of the genre spectrum: journey/def leppard & audio adrenaline/mercyme
one was definitely better than the other.
guess which one.

waiting....

so, i've decided that my new motto will be "just wait." simple. to the point. and it's something that can take on, oh, about 15 meanings. but it's what i need and it's a great beginning to this new patience kick i've been on.

so, we're a few weeks into this book, calm my anxious heart. wow, is it amazing! i really can see changes in my life already. i really don't want these meetings to end, but i'm afraid that's something i can't control! it's definitely what i need for this semester though.

i've been working super hard on my portfolio. ugh. but, i'm just about finished with it AND i still have 11 days before it's due! look at me trying to do stuff way early! but, i'm certain that i'll be working on it from here on out. just because i can't do anything too far ahead of time. (and too far ahead of time is a few hours... it's due at 6:00 - i'll turn it in at 5:57)

is it possible that my neighbors get louder and louder with each passing day? i'm not just talking about the ones next to me. i'm talking about everyone who lives here! i remember the first couple of weeks i was here, i couldn't even hear the people next to me, much less the people on the other side of the complex. but, with time, they've come out of their shells and now proceed to have rather loud conversations.... outside.... at 3:00 in the morning....

wow i miss having friends who would hang out with me on a friday night. this is officially the second friday in a row i've been bored out of my ever-loving mind. suck. i mean i guess i could clean or work on my portfolio or work on renewing my insurance license... nah... i'll just gripe about the boredom instead.

so the other day, i was talking to a friend who is an english teacher. she was asking me how my new job is going. (i'm a tutor at the writing center - basically people send e-mails or come down to the center and they get help on their papers.) i proceeded to tell her that i really liked it, but i was getting increasingly sick of looking at people's papers. she and i both paused for a second. she with a "huh?" look on her face, and i with a "did i really just say that?" thought going through my head. i think i have a long life ahead of me if i keep thinking that way!

patience

patience isn't really something i've been known to have. i've tried to work on it - many times, but i go right back to giving up on it and complaining once again that i have none. so, here i am again, asking God to please give me patience (and NOW!).

i know it'll take time (it's patience, duh!), but i am serious this time. i'm tired of playing games and losing every time. there are just so many things in my life that i am unhappy about right now. and i know that all i have to do to be happy about those things is keep my focus on God and develop this patience and understanding. it's just so hard to break myself and make myself realize that i have to stop playing around.

sooooo.... with that, school is coming closer and closer to the end. i know, i know, this semester JUST started. but, it's my last full semester in class and my goodness, it's getting scary! it's kinda a last chance type deal and i'm really not sure if i'm ready to face "the real world." but, it's coming whether i like it or not, so i might as well get ready for it.

more more

so, i've decided to try this one out for size. i haven't been so good at the blogging in the past, but sure, i'll choose to try it again with all the free time i have now. (and, sadly enough, that wasn't even sarcastic.)

so i check my email (both school and hotmail), facebook, and myspace every day. here's just one more thing i can check every time i get bored (which is about 15 times a day). my life is getting more pathetic the older i get!

ok, i think this is enough for the day. more to come soon, i promise.